James
by Aerys Eli
Summary: Sirius can see she's happy, but he can't stand looking into their life and knowing that it should be him. And the only one he can tell his his best friend. Warning: sadness and slight spoilers. Features lots of pairings mostly SBGW and HPGW


**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter and Co, Ginny would've ridden off on the back of Sirius' motorbike, wearing leather, Harry would have adjusted to his feelings for Hermione, and Ron would've gone and cried in a corner and grown up to be a hot bachelor like Charlie. Dudley's head would've exploded, Vodemort would've come out of the closet by now, and Fleur would've had cute little wereveela babies with Lupin. What can I say? I obviously DON'T own the bloody corporation, don't I. So nobody sue me now, kay? Kay. Oh... and Draco. Draco would be going to my school. How convenient. Just a coincidence, I swear.**

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James, she's a beatiful baby. You should see her. With her crazy black hair and wicked grin, she could almost be mine. But she's not. She shook her fists in the air like she was looking for a fight. So like us. She could almost be mine. But she isn't. At least not really. I'm here, looking down on them, but they don't see me. I'm not sure what I am, but it isn't a ghost. I know I'm dead. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that she isn't mine, that baby isn't mine, and he's the one who's living my life.

It should have been mine. I hate to say that. I can't help it James. I never told you I loved Lily. I was Sirius Black, debonair. I could've had any girl in the school. But she was in love with you. And I never said a thing. I didn't try to take her from you. I laughed at your wedding because you were both so happy. And I swallowed my pride (you never though that was possible. you said I would choke. very funny, you were.) and blessed you.

Then I met her. It was like getting a second chance. She isn't Lily. But I loved her just as passionately. Just as purely. It was like being born again. Being told that I couldn't have been THAT bad in my life if I was given a chance like this. And she loved me back. She's as wild as the wind. She never had that slightly bookish side Lily had.

I remember when the Order left us both in that accursed house. You know James. My 'ancestral heritage'. It makes me growl to think about it, but in this case it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Once, when we had been life there, her for her age, me for my convict status, I went to look for her. I was teaching myself to cook and I wanted to ask her to try some things if she wasn't busy. I looked high and low and I couldn't find her. Then I heard Kreacher muttering about an intruder in his attic. I went on up and found a ladder to the roof trapdoor. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld. She was standing on the edge of the roof, looking out over London. Her green sweater was a little too big and the floppy sleeves were flung wide. Her copper hair was whipping in the wind and hitting her in the face. She heard me step up behind her and she spun around, but overbalanced and almost fell. I ran forward and caught her. It was an awkward moment. She didn't know I loved her then.

We were eye to eye and pressed up against each other. Then a grin spread on her face and she shoved me back onto the roof. "I can catch myself, thank you very much!" she said, laughing, "You don't need to make up excuses to grope me Old Man." I growled good-naturedly at her teasing and lunged at her. Pretty soon she was on the floor, being thouroughly tickled. I don't know what overcame me- she was Ron's sister! But whatever it was, I kissed her. I don't know how else to put it. And she kissed me back. I suppose that's where it started.

And I fell through the veil. And I came back to her. I promised I always would. But she was with Harry. She didn't want to leave him. They'd lost Dumbledore, and Voldemorte was coming. It was all ending. She didn't want to hurt him that close to the end. But she never told him what happened after I came back. He was her first. That may surprise you James. Yes, Sirius Black. Holding himself back from sex. It is too much of a cliche to say that our relationship was too emotionally based and not physical at all, because, well, it was. But I was not going to get her pregnant like that. We agreed to wait until she graduated and then talk to Molly and Arthur and get consent. Or at least acceptance. Things never turn out the way you plan. Yes. Your Harry was her first, but it didn't matter. When I came back, we, well... I'm not going into it. Harry doesn't know. She couldn't tell him. Why distress him so much? The baby looks like his. We always did look a lot alike James. And he looks just like you.

He was a beautiful baby James. And he's a handsome, courageous man. Just like you. I look down on them from my permanent place just outside reality. I can't be part of this life that should be mine. It should be me down there, playing with my daughter. It should be me making my wife breakfast in bed and burning the eggs. It should be me sending roses to my wife at work. It should be me curled up beside her.

She smiles. She's happy, my ruby cat. She was like a wildcat. She's mellowed now, with the mundane job in her father's department at the ministry and the baby at home. I can't help wonder what would be different if it was me down there instead of your son. We had planned to visit the world. See Bill and Fleur in Egypt, see New York and Los Angeles, safari in Africa. We would have brought the baby with us, gone once she was old enough. I have money, just as much as Harry. I was an Auror. She wanted to be. Now she confiscates biting teapots and shrieking whistles.

I look down and I can see him curled up next to her in bed. He snores softly, lost in dreams that I can never have. Next to him, she gazes at the ceiling. Moonlight is pouring through a crack in the curtains and falls across her beautiful face like a veil. She gets up and softly leaves the room. I can follow. She leaves their quiet little house in the country. There are hills all along one side of their house, the one away from the road. She is barefoot. Her hair is down and falls in her face as she rolls up the bottoms of her too long pajama pants. Suddenly it looks as though she is flying. Her feet barely touch the ground as she runs into the hills. She finds a tall pine tree with big branches and climbs. Her hair is flying wildly and the pine needles bite into her bare feet, but she doesn't stop. She just climbs with focused energy. At the top she balances neatly and stares out over the hills. It would seem impossible for someone to balance at the top of a tree, but she was always abnormally light and balanced.

Her hazel eyes look out over the moonlit land. Not a light is on in the house down below. Harry is still alseep, as is the baby. Then she speaks. Just one word James. Just one. "Sirius..."

I want to put my arms around her. I want to kiss her and hold her close and tell her that everything will be alright. But all that happens when I try is that I fall through her. Her head turns and for a moment, its as if she can see me there, beside her. And she smiles.

It's hard to look at that life James. That life that I should have. I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't be jealous of him for his happiness. But I am. It's my life. Or it should be.

I'm sorry James. I'm sorry I've said this.

But she is a beautiful baby.


End file.
